Thirty eight years ago today Sally and I were married in City Hall, Hong Kong. I am very proud that this morning we enjoyed a happy breakfast together with smiles and laughter.
So, what are the ten most valuable lessons I have learned over the past 38 years that might be of value to others?
1. That a deep, close friendship is the foundation of success in marriage. The warmth and security that flow from being there for each other, doing things together and chatting over our problems and challenges are of inestimable value.
2. That cuddles and kisses create what my coach David Traub calls the “warm fuzzy feeling” that makes life enjoyable. Feelings are what life is all about.
3. It is essential to be yourself, warts and all, because it is only when you are loved for what you are and who you are, that love has value. In other words, don’t try to be someone else just to win love, it won’t work, the strain will overcome you and the relationship will fail. I just am myself and live with my fingers crossed that it is good enough.
4. Be patient and forgiving. It is always hard when you cannot get your own way, but it gets easier when you realise that you are giving ground to someone you love so that they can have what they want.
Without forgiveness the rows go on forever and will, I imagine, tear you apart. “I’m sorry” is only a short sentence, saying it can dent your pride a little. but it is mighty weighty when it comes to maintaining peace and equilibrium. (World leaders please note.)
5. Activities that you both enjoy build bonds. We’re lucky that we both enjoy sports like skiing, golf and tennis which we can play together. It is having fun together in sport, dancing, holidaying and even shopping and house cleaning that bind people to one another.
6. Friends and family are a kind of fortress that protects you from loneliness and isolation. They bring you joy and a feeling of being a part of life, part of something larger than one’s own struggles and fears.
7. Children are wonderful for the common interest that they provide. You can worry and be joyful together about your children. They give love back to you equally. They create a triangle of love. And your children’s children perpetuate the triangle to ensure that you will always be loved and have others to love.
8. Doing things for each other is more important than presents or gifts. Of course it is nice to give and receive gifts, but they are less important than going out of your way to cook for each other or wash up or to do a chore that will be appreciated by your spouse.
9. Don’t be unkind or spiteful. There will always be times when you feel hurt or put out by the actions of your life partner. Try not to hit back and cause them to feel the hurt you feel. Accept that they are living their life and remember all that they do for you.
10. Allow yourself to feel how much you love your life partner. When you feel that wonderful “warm fuzzy feeling” you will broadcast it to your spouse and they will respond. It’s a two way stream, the feelings you send out come back.
I have not tried to make this a studious article, rather to simply let it flow from my heart as I have thought back over the past 38 years. My ten lessons are not in any order of importance, they are simply as they have occurred to me as I have ruminated back down my timeline.
Over the years your feelings change. They become less demanding, less urgent, deeper, warmer and more fulfilling. It is these feelings that draw you closer to each other and make life a joy.
What Does It Take to Survive This Long?
When we started our journey together I was young, demanding, anxious, bad-tempered, insecure, ambitious, self-important and fearful.
Over the years I have studied and often worked closely with some great teachers. I have come to believe strongly in the effectiveness of NLP and the importance of The Law of Attraction. To clearly understand and gain full benefit from these powerful life tools is a lifetime’s work. However I encourage you to start studying as soon as possible the outstanding teachers like: Richard Bandler, Robert Dilts, Joe Vitale, David Traub, Ben Hogan, Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, Dale Carnegie, Anthony Robbins, the Dalai Lama, Timothy Gallwey, Harvey Penick, Stuart Wilde, Esther and Jerry Hicks, Claude Hopkins, Leo Burnett, Napoleon Hill, Charles Handy, The Buddha, Jesus Christ and The Prophet Muhammad, to name but a few.
My friends and my coaching clients have all played a significant role in teaching me.
These people have helped me to develop as a person and a living spirit. I acknowledge and thank them for the role they have played in my life and my marriage.
I have come to realise that there is a “little voice” inside each of us that makes suggestions, prods and inspires us. It is a voice to which we should all “tune in” because it comes from our spirit and guides us with a sure hand.
